After nearly two months of being a traveling gypsy (kind of like Stevie Nicks, minus the scarves and copious amounts of cocaine), I finally moved into my new NYC digs yesterday. I just realized that I moved out of my L.A. apartment exactly two months ago to the day.
Weird.
I saw the craziest thing happen when I was walking down Fairfax this afternoon. I’m not sure what happened before I got to the scene, but it looked like two women were exchanging numbers because of an obvious fender-bender. One woman then drives away and the other, utterly peeved, walks back to her car and pulls her car door open with the strength of 1,000 men. Unfortunately for her, she opened it right into the back of a tow truck. Oof!
I’m not sure why I felt like sharing that pointless anecdote but it’s was definitely a signature L.A. moment. Shit like that happens all the time here. I’m just lucky—knock on wood—that it hasn’t happened to me. Yet. As long as I can stay out of automobile trouble for the next three weeks, I think I’m set.
“Why the next three weeks,” you ask, puzzled.
Because I’m going to have no use for my car when I MOVE TO NEW YORK CITY, bishes!!!!!! Yes, ma’am, I’m absolutely tickled to finally share the incredible news that I will be returning to my beloved Eastern Standard Time in order to take a position at MTV.com.
[Does the running man in place.]
Ever since I was a lil’ tot—sneaking peeks at Just Say Julie when my mom wasn’t watching—I’ve always wanted to work for MTV. In fact, it’s been kind of a life-long dream. I interned at the 1515 studios when I was in college and it was the most amazing summer of my life. Just being in the brain-center of pop culture was enough to send me into daily fits where I often pinched myself and asked, “Is this really my life? Did I just see Carson Daly on the escalator? I wonder if I just passed Jesse Camp begging for change out front?”
I can’t even wrap my head around how crazybrains the next three weeks are going to be but I think I’m up to the task. (I mean, I kinda have to be, right?) In addition to handling all the necessary pre-move activities, I’ll also be dutifully working away on my book. Big ups to all of my kindred geek-girl spirits who have joined the revolution and helped me out with their inspiring input. If you want to see what all the fuss is about, check out the Geek Girls Unite web site, follow @geekgirlsunite on Twitter and/or join the Geek Girls Guild group on Facebook.
What else have I been up to? Well, I scribbled up a new Music Is My Boyfriend column for YourItList.com. I’ve also been contributing daily to MTV Buzzworthy. In case you missed me waxing poetic on such topics as Ke$ha copying Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel’s hairdo or the new Pretty Reckless video for “Make Me Wanna Die,” you can read all my headlines here.
Okay, I’m going to finish watching 30 Rock and eat some Dorritos before I embark on a 5-week cleanse starting Monday. Wish me luck!
Can you tell I’m completely obsessed with Passion Pit right now? It’s a sickness. Every time I’ve felt down in the past month, if I can somehow manage to stumble my way to the stereo to put on Manners, my body/mind/spirit starts to perk up and I erupt into an impromptu dance party that immediately lifts my mood. It’s the weirdest thing. Passion Pit? More like Passion Prozac! Passion Paxil! Passion Wellbutrin! (Okay, so that one doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue, but you get the picture.)
Before I inevitably embark on a million tangents, let me get some work-related announcements out of the way. I just posted a new “Music Is My Boyfriend” column on YourItList.com. This month, it’s about the drool-worthy loveliness of actress/singer combo-packs like Zooey Deschanel, Jenny Lewis and Scarlett Johansson. As much as I want to hate them for being illegally beautiful and stupidly talented, I simply can’t. One listen to the new She & Him album, for example, and I turn into a puddle of Zooey-loving goo. Blerg!
When I’m not scribbling about ScarJo & Co., I’ve been busy with two very special writing projects:
1.) I spent much of the last six weeks blogging for the amazing peeps over at MTV Buzzworthy. Although my time there was only temporary—because I was filling in for the lovely and sassy Tamar while she got married and stuff—I had a total blast! Working for MTV (in any capacity) has been a complete dream come true and something that I’ve dreamt of since I was 11, sneaking episodes of Just Say Julie in the living room while my mom cooked dinner in the kitchen. (In case you don’t know the show, NO 11-year-old should watch it. I wonder if that’s why I turned out the way I did… Hmmm…) Good news, though! I’ll be back on Bieber watch next week while Tamar attends another wedding (though, this time, not her own). I’m stoked!
2.) Now that the ink is FINALLY dry on the contracts, I’m absolutely tickled to announce that I’m currently working on my third book! (Cue applause, fireworks and cannons exploding.) I can’t spill too much about it but it’s going to be somewhat of a departure from my last two offerings. First of all, I’m going 100% solo on this one. Secondly, it’s going to be less about music (although there is a music chapter hidden in there somewhere) and more about different facets of pop-culture pertaining to a specific group of underdogs. Third, it’s primarily written for all my sisters-from-another-misters out there. I don’t want to alienate all my bros, of course, but my lady loves are totally going to eat this poop up—at least that’s the goal! Stay tuned because I’m actually going to need your help with this book. I’ll explain later. Swears!
What’s that in the sky? Over there? Yeah, way up in the distance? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a giant hair-bow? Why, no! It’s pigs flying! I never thought I’d see the day.
I fought it as long as I possibly could but what my ego wants, my ego gets. That said, I’m pleased to announced my newly created Formspring.me page. Yes, I’m embracing my inner Tyra Banks by joining the enough-about-me, more-about-me masses. Ask me anything! (i.e. Ever wonder what Robert Pattinson smells like? Not sure how to be a music journalist? Do you think I’m too old to watch iCarly?)
Mosey over to http://www.formspring.me/lesliesimon and start asking!!
People, get ready ’cause there’s a big post a-coming! First up, I’d like to announce the winner of the last Twitter contest I did. Actually, let’s make that winners. I took so gosh-darn long to pick a winner, I thought it was totes appropriate to bestow the honor to two of my fave answers. If ya’ll remember, I asked you all to channel your inner small screen and tell me if you could live your life inside any TV show—sitcom, drama, sci-fi or otherwise—what would it be and why? As per usual, your answers were all eloquent and imaginary. (Duh, as if I would expect anything less from you guys!)
That said, I have to give big ups to Amanda for choosing 30 Rock. Here’s Amanda’s full answer:
I’m going to have to go with 30 Rock. I can see myself as a comedy writer/extra on TGS with Tracy Jordan. My office would be right next to Liz Lemon’s, and Toofer and I would be able to have intelligent conversations over coffee, while the other writers are busy laughing at the latest YouTube video.
I would get into the show by moving NYC and becoming neighbors with Liz Lemon, we would become friends after she found out I could cook and am also afraid of choking on something while living alone. We would create a special signal to give each other if we are ever home alone and choking.
I would be her right hand man (girl) when it came to dealing with Jenna and Tracy problems, and even help out when Kenneth the page was busy.
This would work perfectly since there are no prominent female “writers” on the show, besides Liz.
Our second winner is Kendra, who took a trip in the way-back machine and chose Boy Meets World. Here’s her answer:
Boy Meets World encompassed everything my life lacked; love life drama, crazy antics and a wise man next door. I would live in the trailer lot next to Shawn Hunter’s. Years would pass and I would be that background character viewers would never notice in the 3rd row of Mr. Turner’s English class. Everything would change once senior year came though. I would blossom (hey, a girl can dream). However, Shawn would have just fallen head over heels for Angela. I tell myself love can never be forced and let things be for awhile.
Then one Friday morning our eyes would meet over sirens and highway fumes. He tells me he can’t hurt Angela and friendship is all we may ever have. As friends we go to Chubbies for a burger. Corey and Topanga notice the connection we have and they tell him it’s apparent what girl he needs to be with. Shawn seeks the advice of Mr. Feeny, who just happens to be in the next booth. Always filled with guidance to be taken and not shaken, Feeny tells Shawn to follow his heart as far as he can without falling off a cliff. Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” plays as the scene fades out into commercials.
Monday morning would be the start of a new week and a new era for our high school lives. I stand at my locker while the rest of John Adams High lingers close to hear Shawn and Angela’s end. She looks hurt and I feel for her, but on the inside my heart smiles as wide as the Grand Canyon. After that showcase, Shawn walks over to me, that 90’s “everything’s going to be all right” music plays and he leans in and kisses me in front of everyone. The audience would hoot and holler and TGIF viewers would call up their BFFs to gab about the newest couple to take over their Tiger Beats.
Big ups to Amanda and Kendra for putting the ol’ thinking caps on and coming up with such bril answers! You can script supervise my life anytime! As of this afternoon, I currently have 752 followers. Let’s see if we can’t boost that up to 800!! If you’re reading this post and aren’t following me on Twitter, be sure to add me as a friend STAT: http://www.twitter.com/redpatterndress. I write funny things.
I don’t know about you, but 2010 is shaping up to be a crazybrains year! January was packed with visitors—my friend, the lovely Miss Rachel Lux came from Cleveland to hang and we painted the town red, white and black—and fresh starts. I don’t know why, but I’ve had a bee in my bonnet about being healthy lately. Maybe’s it’s been how heavy my recycling bin gets every week because it’s filled with wine bottles or the top row of my fridge always being stocked with 12-packs of Diet Coke; either way, I really wanted to turn over a nutritious leaf in ‘10 so I decided to embark on a five-week cleanse with the help of my gorgeous and distgustingly smart nutritionist Annamaria.
For the past three-and-a-half weeks, I’ve been living without soda, caffeine, soy, dairy, gluten, refined sugar, shellfish, red meat and, most impressively, alcohol. I’ve got about 10 days left and I actually feel great. Sure, I was slightly jealous on Sunday when my friend Sarah Saturday and I hit a post-Grammy party and I was sucking down club sodas while everyone else was tossing back vodka-y goodness, but it wasn’t horrible. After all, if I hadn’t been paying attention, I might’ve missed a pretty spectacular star sighting. (Tsk, tsk, Mr. Schu.)
I also just started work on my next literary adventure this past Monday and I’m bursting with excitement. As soon as the contracts are signed—which should be in the next couple weeks—I’ll tell you all about it. Swears!! In the meantime, I’m planning on laying low the next week or so. I just took a time machine back to 2004 and joined Netflix so that’s kind of ruling my world. So far, I’ve seen an obscure german biopic (8 Miles High), a horrific dark comedy (Jennifer’s Body), and a documentary about one of fashion’s most revered designers (Valentino: The Last Emperor). Paper Heart just arrived in my mailbox today and I’m planning on watching it while I dye my hair. I just hope I don’t get too engrossed and end up dying the hair on my neck instead of the hair on my head. Ugh, being frugal is hard!
Finally, I recently posted a new column on YourItList.com all about my personal obsession with pop producer Dr. Luke. Check it!
For those of you smarty pants who are already following me on Twitter, you’ve probably seen some pretty dismal updates due to a pretty gnarly cold that has attempted to drag me to hell, Sam Raimi-style. No fear, though. I’m in the midst of waging a pretty impressive war on those pesky lil’ cells of bacteria and they don’t stand a chance. They may take my energy, but they will not take my freedom! (Sorry, but I’ve been dying to type that Braveheart impression forevs. Please forgive!)
In my self-imposed, Kleenex-fueled exile, I’ve been trying to catch up on my sleep, correspondence and all the episodes of Law & Order: SVU a gal can stomach. I also managed to find the time in my terribly busy napping and TV-watching sched to clean up, sort and organize my entire front-hall closet, which has turned up some pretty radtastic goodies, tsotchkes and keepsakes that are absolutely purrrrrrfect for upcoming Twitter giveaways. The timing couldn’t be better because thanks to all of you, I’ve passed the 700 follower mark, which means its time for another Twitter-Away Giveaway Contest!!
[Applause, applause.]
This time I thought I’d choose a topic that celebrated the small screen, seeing that the boob tube has been such a huge part of my life, as of late. (Hell, as of ever!) Therefore, if you’d like to answer my latest giveaway, please answer the following question: “If you could live your life inside any TV show—sitcom, drama, sci-fi or otherwise—what would it be and why?”
For example, mine would be Gilmore Girls because I would love to call Stars Hollow home. I want to pick up candlesticks at Kim’s Antiques, chow down pad thai at Al’s Pancake World, take a yoga class with Miss Patty and hold hands with my latest boy toy while strolling around town square. Lorelai would be my bestie and we’d roll up to Woodbridge every Tuesday night to grab drinks after a hard day’s work. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the cupcakery I’d open on Peach Street that would inevitably become the toast of the town.
Okay, Leslie… Back to reality… No matter how bad I wish it were true, Amy Sherman-Palladino is not writing the screenplay of your life—at least not yet.
Twitter-Away Giveaway Instructions:
If you and your besties aren’t following me on Twitter, what are you waiting for?? Also, I heart people that RT. Just sayin!!
The first time I talked to Chris Carrabba, I think I was still the office manager at Alternative Press. Most of my days were spent sorting mail, cleaning up after our gastrointestinally challenged cat Ogre and dreaming of writing pieces for the magazine that were more than 50 words. It must’ve been late 2001 or early 2002, and the whole editorial staff was prepping for AP’s “100 Bands You Need To Know” issue. I had been trumpeting Dashboard Confessional’s awesomeness for months and I’m pretty positive that I got the assignment mostly because Jason Pettigrew was tired of me nagging him everyday.
Hypothetical-yet-completely-possible conversational reinactment:
Me: “Hey, Jason! I’ve seen the future of music and it’s all about a lil’ punim named Chris Carrabba!”
Jason: [Growl.]*
Me: “No, really! I saw him play with his band Dashboard Confessional a couple weeks ago at the Beachland Ballroom and the place was packed. Plus, all the kids were singing along. It was like Children Of The Corn—but in a good way.”
Jason: [Annoyed snort.]
Me: “C’mon… I can do this! Let me do this!”
Jason: [Snarl.]
Me: “Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it. Lemme write it.”
Jason: “Fine.”
And… Scene.
(Note to future journalists: Never give up when you believe in your pitch! Just make sure your pitch is on-the-money.)
I remember Jason let me borrow his office for the interview and I sat perched on a wobbly stool—which, if I’m not mistaken, Jason still uses to this day—and waited for Chris to call from his Florida HQ. He had just stopped teaching full-time but had gone back to school to visit his former students for a holiday pageant or something. (Swoon, right?) I had what felt like a million butterflies swirling around my stomach and about 30 seconds into the interview, I knew the convo would change the course of my professional life. It sounds hokey, but I just knew in my gut that Dashboard Confessional was on the verge of exploding and I was about to capture the swell before the storm.
I’ve been lucky enough to talk to Chris a bunch over the years and the two of us have even become bros, which still causes me to pinch myself on a regular basis. Now, any good writer knows that you shouldn’t write for anyone else but you—not your editor, not your audience and especially not your subject. I try to live by that guideline as much as humanly possible but I have to admit, I squealed just a smidge when I got the following text from the beau of the boulevard:
Here’s the interview Chris is talking about. Let me know if you agree!
* Oh, it should also be noted that despite the above depiction, Jason has always been my biggest cheerleader. He’s been a mentor, a bestie and a constant source of wisdom and unfathomable humor. So what’s with the ‘tude? Oh, he just hates “pussy emo music.” For a man raised on Revolting Cocks, can you blame him?
I’ve spent most of the weekend shackled to my laptop, toiling away on my book proposal for what feels like the millionth time. I’m totes exhausted—even though I’ve barely moved from my dining room table except to sleep, eat, potty and watch the occasional episode of iCarly. Okay, that’s not entirely true. This morning, while I waited for the TimeWarner dude to replace my half-eaten internet wires (damn vermin!), I also caught an episode of Drake & Josh. I think Josh Peck might be the worst over-actor of all time, but Crazy Steve more than makes up for it. Anyone know who Crazy Steve is? Let me see a show of hands.
Um, allow me to introduce you the unexplainable Crazy Steve:
Yeah, told you. Anyone who flails around with bras tied to tennis shoes is okay in my book.
Ding! Back to work!
Okay, it’s official. I’m the biggest slacker since Troy Effing Dyer. I honestly have no excuses except I’ve been trapped under something heavy—and by “something heavy,” I mean “shit-tons of work.” It’s true. Please forgive! I’ve never stopped thinking about you. Swears!!
First things first, it’s about time that I announced the winner of my third Les Simes booktastic prize pack. If ya’ll remember, I asked you all to put your literary thinking caps on and tell me if you could have any author—alive or dead—write the story of your life, who would it be and why? Your answers were all completely brilliant but there can only be one winner. That said, I have to give big ups to Stephanie for choosing Dorothy Parker, a sassy broad after my own heart. Here’s Stephanie’s full answer:
Dorothy Parker, because everything in my life would be 120% wittier and more cynical as well as amusing if she wrote it. After her death, her ashes were kept in her lawyer’s filing cabinet for over 11 years, something I’m sure Dorothy would have found pretty typical of her life. It was those kinds of “good grief” moments that made her snappy and fresh. I’m fairly certain that I was born into the wrong era, and I think Dottie would be able to craft my life story so that I would be able to see what it would have been like if I had landed in the 1920s. And she was a screenwriter, so she could write the movie, too. Although, I’m not sure how far she’d get because she’d probably need to stop a lot to go out for martinis. (What I wouldn’t give for the chance to go back in time and have a drink with that woman!)
Everyone give Stephanie a round of applause!! I can’t tell you how amazing it is that people are really using their imagination and creativity to come up with crazy-intelligent answers to my questions. It makes me smile from ear to ear. I’m definitely going to keep the contests coming. In fact, my goal is to reach 1,000 Twitter followers by January 1, 2010. Eek! I’m super-nervous about it but I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed. Plus, when I hit 1,000, I’m going to give away the motherload of booktastic prize packs. You don’t even know! In other words, stay tuned and keep retweeting to win!!
Let’s see… What else have I been doing? Ooooooh! Last week was the best because I went to the opening day of the Hello Kitty 35th Anniversary exhibit in Culver City. For anyone who’s met me, I am completely OBSESSED with Sanrio, Tokidoki, Kid Robot and a lot of other toy stuff that I’m probably too old to admit I love. Needless to say, I was in Kitty heaven. The exhibit is open until November 15 so if you’re in the neighborhood, you should most def hoof it over. For those who are not close to the hood, check out these pictures that I snapped:
This week has been a complete blur. I’ve been toiling over the bio for Motion City Soundtrack’s new album My Dinosaur Life, which comes out January 2010. The album is beyond incredible so it was a really daunting task to scribble up something that lived up to their musical and lyrical brilliance. I hope I came close! I also caught up with the lovely Mr. Chris Carrabba to talk about the new Dashboard Confessional album, Alter The Ending, which comes out November 10, 2010, which is just around the corner. Little known fact: Chris is one of the funniest dudes, like, ever! He comes off all cool and tattooed and baby-pomped but don’t be fooled. Homeboy is a cut-up. I’ll be sure to post the link to the Q&A when it’s up on Metromix. Finally, somewhere in the midst of interviewing, transcribing, writing, napping and snacking, I also managed to snag a front-row spot at Jimmy Kimmel Live to support the insanely talented Chantal Claret and Morningwood. If you squint, you can almost make me out shaking my money-maker. (Warning: You’ve gotta squint really hard to see me. Like, reeeeeeeeally hard. But I swear I was there. In other words, people with astigmatism probably shouldn’t watch this clip.)
Geez, I’m pooped just thinking back on it all. Translation: Time to hit the snooze cruise! However, before I grab my eyemask and turn on the humidifier, be sure to follow me on Twitter!! What are you waiting for?
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