Posted by Leslie Simon on Feb 10, 2010 in life stuff
What’s that in the sky? Over there? Yeah, way up in the distance? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a giant hair-bow? Why, no! It’s pigs flying! I never thought I’d see the day.
I fought it as long as I possibly could but what my ego wants, my ego gets. That said, I’m pleased to announced my newly created Formspring.me page. Yes, I’m embracing my inner Tyra Banks by joining the enough-about-me, more-about-me masses. Ask me anything! (i.e. Ever wonder what Robert Pattinson smells like? Not sure how to be a music journalist? Do you think I’m too old to watch iCarly?)
People, get ready ’cause there’s a big post a-coming! First up, I’d like to announce the winner of the last Twitter contest I did. Actually, let’s make that winners. I took so gosh-darn long to pick a winner, I thought it was totes appropriate to bestow the honor to two of my fave answers. If ya’ll remember, I asked you all to channel your inner small screen and tell me if you could live your life inside any TV show—sitcom, drama, sci-fi or otherwise—what would it be and why? As per usual, your answers were all eloquent and imaginary. (Duh, as if I would expect anything less from you guys!)
That said, I have to give big ups to Amanda for choosing 30 Rock. Here’s Amanda’s full answer:
I’m going to have to go with 30 Rock. I can see myself as a comedy writer/extra on TGS with Tracy Jordan. My office would be right next to Liz Lemon’s, and Toofer and I would be able to have intelligent conversations over coffee, while the other writers are busy laughing at the latest YouTube video.
I would get into the show by moving NYC and becoming neighbors with Liz Lemon, we would become friends after she found out I could cook and am also afraid of choking on something while living alone. We would create a special signal to give each other if we are ever home alone and choking.
I would be her right hand man (girl) when it came to dealing with Jenna and Tracy problems, and even help out when Kenneth the page was busy.
This would work perfectly since there are no prominent female “writers” on the show, besides Liz.
Our second winner is Kendra, who took a trip in the way-back machine and chose Boy Meets World. Here’s her answer:
Boy Meets World encompassed everything my life lacked; love life drama, crazy antics and a wise man next door. I would live in the trailer lot next to Shawn Hunter’s. Years would pass and I would be that background character viewers would never notice in the 3rd row of Mr. Turner’s English class. Everything would change once senior year came though. I would blossom (hey, a girl can dream). However, Shawn would have just fallen head over heels for Angela. I tell myself love can never be forced and let things be for awhile.
Then one Friday morning our eyes would meet over sirens and highway fumes. He tells me he can’t hurt Angela and friendship is all we may ever have. As friends we go to Chubbies for a burger. Corey and Topanga notice the connection we have and they tell him it’s apparent what girl he needs to be with. Shawn seeks the advice of Mr. Feeny, who just happens to be in the next booth. Always filled with guidance to be taken and not shaken, Feeny tells Shawn to follow his heart as far as he can without falling off a cliff. Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” plays as the scene fades out into commercials.
Monday morning would be the start of a new week and a new era for our high school lives. I stand at my locker while the rest of John Adams High lingers close to hear Shawn and Angela’s end. She looks hurt and I feel for her, but on the inside my heart smiles as wide as the Grand Canyon. After that showcase, Shawn walks over to me, that 90’s “everything’s going to be all right” music plays and he leans in and kisses me in front of everyone. The audience would hoot and holler and TGIF viewers would call up their BFFs to gab about the newest couple to take over their Tiger Beats.
Big ups to Amanda and Kendra for putting the ol’ thinking caps on and coming up with such bril answers! You can script supervise my life anytime! As of this afternoon, I currently have 752 followers. Let’s see if we can’t boost that up to 800!! If you’re reading this post and aren’t following me on Twitter, be sure to add me as a friend STAT: http://www.twitter.com/redpatterndress. I write funny things.
I don’t know about you, but 2010 is shaping up to be a crazybrains year! January was packed with visitors—my friend, the lovely Miss Rachel Lux came from Cleveland to hang and we painted the town red, white and black—and fresh starts. I don’t know why, but I’ve had a bee in my bonnet about being healthy lately. Maybe’s it’s been how heavy my recycling bin gets every week because it’s filled with wine bottles or the top row of my fridge always being stocked with 12-packs of Diet Coke; either way, I really wanted to turn over a nutritious leaf in ‘10 so I decided to embark on a five-week cleanse with the help of my gorgeous and distgustingly smart nutritionist Annamaria.
For the past three-and-a-half weeks, I’ve been living without soda, caffeine, soy, dairy, gluten, refined sugar, shellfish, red meat and, most impressively, alcohol. I’ve got about 10 days left and I actually feel great. Sure, I was slightly jealous on Sunday when my friend Sarah Saturday and I hit a post-Grammy party and I was sucking down club sodas while everyone else was tossing back vodka-y goodness, but it wasn’t horrible. After all, if I hadn’t been paying attention, I might’ve missed a pretty spectacular star sighting. (Tsk, tsk, Mr. Schu.)
I also just started work on my next literary adventure this past Monday and I’m bursting with excitement. As soon as the contracts are signed—which should be in the next couple weeks—I’ll tell you all about it. Swears!! In the meantime, I’m planning on laying low the next week or so. I just took a time machine back to 2004 and joined Netflix so that’s kind of ruling my world. So far, I’ve seen an obscure german biopic (8 Miles High), a horrific dark comedy (Jennifer’s Body), and a documentary about one of fashion’s most revered designers (Valentino: The Last Emperor). Paper Heart just arrived in my mailbox today and I’m planning on watching it while I dye my hair. I just hope I don’t get too engrossed and end up dying the hair on my neck instead of the hair on my head. Ugh, being frugal is hard!
Finally, I recently posted a new column on YourItList.com all about my personal obsession with pop producer Dr. Luke. Check it!
For those of you smarty pants who are already following me on Twitter, you’ve probably seen some pretty dismal updates due to a pretty gnarly cold that has attempted to drag me to hell, Sam Raimi-style. No fear, though. I’m in the midst of waging a pretty impressive war on those pesky lil’ cells of bacteria and they don’t stand a chance. They may take my energy, but they will not take my freedom! (Sorry, but I’ve been dying to type that Braveheart impression forevs. Please forgive!)
In my self-imposed, Kleenex-fueled exile, I’ve been trying to catch up on my sleep, correspondence and all the episodes of Law & Order: SVU a gal can stomach. I also managed to find the time in my terribly busy napping and TV-watching sched to clean up, sort and organize my entire front-hall closet, which has turned up some pretty radtastic goodies, tsotchkes and keepsakes that are absolutely purrrrrrfect for upcoming Twitter giveaways. The timing couldn’t be better because thanks to all of you, I’ve passed the 700 follower mark, which means its time for another Twitter-Away Giveaway Contest!!
[Applause, applause.]
This time I thought I’d choose a topic that celebrated the small screen, seeing that the boob tube has been such a huge part of my life, as of late. (Hell, as of ever!) Therefore, if you’d like to answer my latest giveaway, please answer the following question: “If you could live your life inside any TV show—sitcom, drama, sci-fi or otherwise—what would it be and why?”
For example, mine would be Gilmore Girls because I would love to call Stars Hollow home. I want to pick up candlesticks at Kim’s Antiques, chow down pad thai at Al’s Pancake World, take a yoga class with Miss Patty and hold hands with my latest boy toy while strolling around town square. Lorelai would be my bestie and we’d roll up to Woodbridge every Tuesday night to grab drinks after a hard day’s work. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the cupcakery I’d open on Peach Street that would inevitably become the toast of the town.
Okay, Leslie… Back to reality… No matter how bad I wish it were true, Amy Sherman-Palladino is not writing the screenplay of your life—at least not yet.
Twitter-Away Giveaway Instructions:
Leave your answer—including TV SHOW TITLE and EXPLANATION—as a comment on this post.
Be sure to include your Twitter name in your comment, as well. You must be actively following me on Twitter in order to win. Yes, I’ll check so please don’t try to scam me and your fellow followers.
Deadline for submissions is Monday, December 14 at 12 PM PST.
Winner will be notified through Twitter DM so please keep your eyes peeled.
Contests sounds way fancy and profesh when they have detailed instructions, don’t they?
If you and your besties aren’t following me on Twitter, what are you waiting for?? Also, I heart people that RT. Just sayin!!
Okay, it’s official. I’m the biggest slacker since Troy Effing Dyer. I honestly have no excuses except I’ve been trapped under something heavy—and by “something heavy,” I mean “shit-tons of work.” It’s true. Please forgive! I’ve never stopped thinking about you. Swears!!
First things first, it’s about time that I announced the winner of my third Les Simes booktastic prize pack. If ya’ll remember, I asked you all to put your literary thinking caps on and tell me if you could have any author—alive or dead—write the story of your life, who would it be and why? Your answers were all completely brilliant but there can only be one winner. That said, I have to give big ups to Stephanie for choosing Dorothy Parker, a sassy broad after my own heart. Here’s Stephanie’s full answer:
Dorothy Parker, because everything in my life would be 120% wittier and more cynical as well as amusing if she wrote it. After her death, her ashes were kept in her lawyer’s filing cabinet for over 11 years, something I’m sure Dorothy would have found pretty typical of her life. It was those kinds of “good grief” moments that made her snappy and fresh. I’m fairly certain that I was born into the wrong era, and I think Dottie would be able to craft my life story so that I would be able to see what it would have been like if I had landed in the 1920s. And she was a screenwriter, so she could write the movie, too. Although, I’m not sure how far she’d get because she’d probably need to stop a lot to go out for martinis. (What I wouldn’t give for the chance to go back in time and have a drink with that woman!)
Everyone give Stephanie a round of applause!! I can’t tell you how amazing it is that people are really using their imagination and creativity to come up with crazy-intelligent answers to my questions. It makes me smile from ear to ear. I’m definitely going to keep the contests coming. In fact, my goal is to reach 1,000 Twitter followers by January 1, 2010. Eek! I’m super-nervous about it but I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed. Plus, when I hit 1,000, I’m going to give away the motherload of booktastic prize packs. You don’t even know! In other words, stay tuned and keep retweeting to win!!
Let’s see… What else have I been doing? Ooooooh! Last week was the best because I went to the opening day of the Hello Kitty 35th Anniversary exhibit in Culver City. For anyone who’s met me, I am completely OBSESSED with Sanrio, Tokidoki, Kid Robot and a lot of other toy stuff that I’m probably too old to admit I love. Needless to say, I was in Kitty heaven. The exhibit is open until November 15 so if you’re in the neighborhood, you should most def hoof it over. For those who are not close to the hood, check out these pictures that I snapped:
This week has been a complete blur. I’ve been toiling over the bio for Motion City Soundtrack’s new album My Dinosaur Life, which comes out January 2010. The album is beyond incredible so it was a really daunting task to scribble up something that lived up to their musical and lyrical brilliance. I hope I came close! I also caught up with the lovely Mr. Chris Carrabba to talk about the new Dashboard Confessional album, Alter The Ending, which comes out November 10, 2010, which is just around the corner. Little known fact: Chris is one of the funniest dudes, like, ever! He comes off all cool and tattooed and baby-pomped but don’t be fooled. Homeboy is a cut-up. I’ll be sure to post the link to the Q&A when it’s up on Metromix. Finally, somewhere in the midst of interviewing, transcribing, writing, napping and snacking, I also managed to snag a front-row spot at Jimmy Kimmel Live to support the insanely talented Chantal Claret and Morningwood. If you squint, you can almost make me out shaking my money-maker. (Warning: You’ve gotta squint really hard to see me. Like, reeeeeeeeally hard. But I swear I was there. In other words, people with astigmatism probably shouldn’t watch this clip.)
Geez, I’m pooped just thinking back on it all. Translation: Time to hit the snooze cruise! However, before I grab my eyemask and turn on the humidifier, be sure to follow me on Twitter!! What are you waiting for?
When it comes to updating this web site, I’ve totes been tardy to the party, Kim Zolciak-style. Oof!! Please forgive!! In order to celebrate my return to the land of the online living, it’s about time to launch my third Twitter contest. If you’re all, “Huh? Wha Twitter contest? You talkin’ all sorts of crazy, lady,” here’s a refresher…
I vowed that for every 100 new followers I get on Twitter, I’d offer up a super-awesome, jam-packed goodie bag to one lucky lurker. Truth be told, I slightly missed the boat on 600 followers—current tally is 621, natch!—but I’m gonna get back on track if it kills me. One anti-denim-leggings-wearing winner will get an autographed copy of my latest book Wish You Were Here, a couple limited-edition Wish You Were Here Sharpies and a special lil’ surprise that”ll make you swoon. Swears! Just ask @cand, who won my second giveaway!
Here’s your mission, should you choose to accept it…
Please answer the following question: “If you could have any author—alive or dead—write the story of your life, who would it be and why?”
For example, mine would be Jane Austen because I’d love to read how my sass—and accompanying foible-filled experiences—would translate in 19th-century English literature. Plus, she also has the experience of being unlucky in love, which would only help make my solo-tastic, life-story pop of the page. (Cue the cat-loving spinster waterworks.)
Twitter-Away Giveaway Instructions:
Leave your answer—including AUTHOR and EXPLANATION—as a comment on this post.
Be sure to include your Twitter name in your comment, as well. You must be actively following me on Twitter in order to win. Yes, I’ll check so please don’t try to scam me and your fellow followers.
Deadline for submissions is Thursday, October 8 at 12 PM PST.
Winner will be notified by Friday, October 9th. Due to rain, picking a winner has been slightly delayed. Best answer will be awarded this week, though. Swears!!
Contests sounds way fancy and profesh when they have detailed instructions, don’t they?
If you and your besties aren’t following me on Twitter, what are you waiting for??
This summer has been one big heap of marital bliss for me and my besties. First, it was my BFF Jessica, who got hitched in Ithaca, New York, at the beginning of August. Then, it was my oldest and dearest pal Lesley, who tied the knot in Cleveland a couple weeks ago. Seeing as I was bestowed with the honor of being MOH—that’s “maid of honor,” for the wedding layman—I hoofed it back to attend to my bridal duties.
Not only did I get to spend some QT with the bride before she became a Mrs., but it was rad to see my fam and friends. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I moved from C-Town to Los Angeles. Dang, it feels like an eternity and a flash, at the same time. When I first set my wagons West, it was only to accept a job at Buzznet. I had absolutely no desire in the world to live in L.A. In fact, after I first moved, I most def shed a tear or two over my darling, lil’ old apartment on Lake Ave.
Sure, I moved to L.A. for my career™, but building a life with Buzznet wasn’t meant to be. My tenure at the site only lasted six months, which was definitely a buzz-kill. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure if I would’ve made the same decisions, but can’t help but credit this year’s professional and personal rollercoaster with opening up a ton of opportunities that would’ve never existed if I were still in Cleveland. That’s something I believe 110%. So, sure, I’ve had a couple huge, colossal, Biggest Loser-size boulders placed in my path over the past six months, but I’ve managed to work my way around them, slowly but surely.
In fact, I celebrated two pretty big triumphs this past April. Not only did I successfully turn 30 without a nervous breakdown but my second book Wish You Were Here was released by HarperCollins on the very same day. Not a shabby way to usher in the next decade of my life, if I do say so myself. I’m not sure why I decided to share any of this with you guys. I guess it’s because this site is also one of the few things that bring a smile to my face on a daily basis. The Les Simes Army might not be large; but we lack in numbers, we make up for in heart.
Case in point: I recently received the most amazing email from a girl named Lauren. Take a look-see…
I can’t tell you how rad it was to get up one morning and see this in my inbox. Freals! Keep ‘em coming, peeps. I’m only a tweet away!!
An infinite amount of kudos go out to those who submitted answers to my second Twitter contest. I tip my imaginary hat to your creative awesomeness. Seriously, it really warms my cold, black heart that you all applied your iTunes imagination to this challenge and came up with some seriously amazing song titles.
Howev, there can only be one winner and the lucky recipient of a Les Simes booktastic prize pack is… “If Only Duct Tape Could Fix Everything” by The Movielife off The Movielife Have A Gambling Problem EP, which was submitted by the lovely Cand. Congrats, Cand! Not only do you have super-fantastic taste in music (and books!!) but I love that you’re rocking your wild style in Cleveland, Ohio, which happens to be my former stomping ground. Big ups on all fronts!!
Oh, and if you aren’t already familiar with this particular Movielife song, get into it!!
I vowed that for every 100 new followers I get on Twitter, I’d offer up a super-awesome, jam-packed goodie bag to one lucky lurker. If I’m anything, I’m true to my word so it looks like it’s time to celebrate 500 followers with my second free-stuff frenzy! One rad-pants winner will get an autographed copy of my latest book Wish You Were Here, a couple limited-edition Wish You Were Here Sharpies and a special lil’ surprise that”ll make you swoon. Swears! Just ask @hoppusfanmuch, who won my first giveaway!
Here’s your mission, should you choose to accept it…
Please answer the following question: “What song title best represents your life?”
Leave your answer—including SONG TITLE, BAND and ALBUM—as a comment on this post.
Be sure to include your Twitter name in your comment, as well. You must be actively following me on Twitter in order to win. Yes, I’ll check so please don’t try to scam me and your fellow followers.
Deadline for submissions is Thursday, August 27th at 12 PM PST.
Winner will be notified by the end of the day on Thursday, August 27th.
Contests sounds way fancy and profesh when they have detailed instructions, don’t they?
If you and your besties aren’t following me on Twitter, what are you waiting for??
While I was distracting myself with a lil’ telly (so that I could avoid transcribing the final two Paramore interviews), I happened to turn on MTV and see The All-American Rejects hosting an episode of Cribs. Immediately, I was struck with two thoughts:
1. I had no idea they still made Cribs.
2. Doth my eyes deceive me or is that my literary awesomeness I see on the screen??? Okay, technically speaking, it’s a snipe of the first AAR cover for Alternative Press but I wrote it so, by the transitive property, I WAS TOTALLY ON CRIBS TODAY!! See for yourself…
BAM! Right side of the screen!!
BLOOP! Left side of the screen!
BING!! Hiding on the left side of the screen!!
Back in my old Cleveland apartment, I even had the same poster displayed in my office-slash-dining area. (Man, do I miss that place. Best. Apartment. Ever.) Lookie…
Big ups to all my L.A. peeps who came to hear me read—and sweat profusely—at Book Soup tonight. Also, mucho spanks to Julia, Tyson and Charles at Book Soup for running such a radtastic event! They even interviewed my snarky butt on their podcast. Stay tuned for a post with that tasty ear candy!
Have you ever seen a more beautiful crowd—especially my friend Bonnie, who's looking gorgeous in the front row.
